I did a little just write activity again. I needed to process some feelings I had on something that happened a couple of weeks ago. This is the result. Writing is so cathartic.
A couple of years ago I shut the door to a place that wasn’t very good for me. It was literally sucking the life out of me and I realized I’d be better off in a different place. So I shut the door and walked away. But I made one huge mistake.
I didn’t lock it.
And I could still see into this other place through these filtered windows. Sometimes I’d pass by the windows and feel sad, other times I could pass by them and not really look into them at all.
Then this summer, just when I was least expecting it, the door opened a crack. Something said, hey, come on in here again. I felt that because I had reached Happy Place and Good Place I was strong enough to do it. So I did. It was a little awkward and uncomfortable at first, but it slowly felt familiar and I started remembering the good memories of this place. I felt I could be in this place, maybe not all the time again, but I could be there and experience peace and even enjoy myself. So, I left the door open. I took the filters off the windows.
I started being able to pass by the windows and the open door and not cringe or feel like I had to run away. Until one day I passed by the window and got a glimpse of something that made me sadder than I’d like to admit. Yet, I needed a closer look.
I then peaked in through the door and realized that nothing had changed at all. And that I was foolish for thinking that they had. I didn’t belong in this place anymore. And it was clear that this place belonged to others now.
I dwelled on this for about a day, let it take me away from my Happy and Good Place for just a little bit. But then I picked myself up, dusted myself off, walked right over to that door.
And slammed it shut.
This time, I locked it. I didn’t throw away the key, but I put it someplace that will make me have to truly think about if I want to unlock it again. Those windows are still there, but the filters are back and are darker, making it harder to see in.
The difference between the first time I closed that door and closing the door now is I’m stronger. I have the knowledge that I’m better off on this side of the door. Happy and Good Place are far too important to me, I worked hard to get there and that’s where I’m going to stay. The other side of that door is still part of my history and I have no regrets for the time spent there. But once we close certain doors, I know now that it’s best if that is how they remain. With age comes wisdom.